Establishing Trust In Your Marriage!


That’s something that’s earned, right?

I mean, we don’t just put our trust in anyone (or anything) unless we are sure they (or it) is worthy of it.

What about when God asks us to trust him? That can be difficult for some, especially for new believers where no track record of trust has been established yet.

So how do we establish trust with God, and subsequently develop trust in our marriage?

God Is Always Good!

This first thing we have to get straight is that God is ALWAYS and ONLY good. The Word tells us “His (God’s) plans for us are to prosper us not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). It also tells us “He wishes above all things that we would prosper and be in health, even as our souls prosper” (3 John 2). And there are many other places in the Bible that show us God’s intentions towards us. He comes right out and tells us who we are in Christ Jesus…it’s not hidden. AND it’s all good!

So He is absolutely worthy of putting our trust in!

Some may have doubts about this because they see bad things happening in the world, or in their own particular lives and families. Certainly there are horrible things going on, sometimes unimaginable calamites, trials or devastating circumstances. But we need to know that God does not orchestrate bad or evil things.

Unpleasant things happen because of the fallen world we live in. But the good news is God gave us a way out, a way of protection from the things going on around us…His name is Jesus, and His sacrifice for us was a “once and done” deal. It was enough to satisfy God relative to man’s sin…once for all!

AND, God is the same yesterday, today and forever! Se He has not changed His mind on this! (Hebrews 13:8).

Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy!

After we get our thinking clear about God and realize He is

more than worthy of our trust, we next have to extend trust to our spouse. One thing we tell couples a lot is this…”your spouse is not your enemy”. In other words, “you’re on the same team”.

  • Will we let each other down sometimes? Certainly!
  • Is there a chance trust will be violated? Sure!
  • Will there be disappointments? Yup!

But when we take a step back from the things that happen to us (or that we think were done to us) we can choose to see things in a different light. Maybe through God’s eyes? Now there’s a noble idea! LOL

We all sin and fall short, and God still loves us, still forgives us, and He still believes in us. So when we feel wronged, what gives us the right to hold unforgiveness against the other person for an extended (sometimes indefinite) period of time? God forgives us, so we need to extend forgiveness too. Not doing so would be putting ourselves above Him.

Vertical Trust B4 Horizontal Trust!

We’ve said it many times in classes we’ve taught, small groups we’ve led and in individual counseling…

…when your relationship (trust) with God is right, then your relationship (trust) with your spouse can be right.

Any earthly relationship will not be “as right” as it can be until our relationship with God is “as right” as it can be. That has to come first. That’s why we started out this blog with God first. Trust in God! Then trust can flow in your marriage!

Helpful? Let us know! We’d love to hear from you.

#marriage #trust #intimacy #forgiveness

Marriage Maintenance 101…STOP TRYING?!?

Marriage Maintenance 101…STOP TRYING?!?


How many of us have good intentions when it comes to our marriages?

  • We try to go on dates…
  • We try to have time to connect…
  • We try to communicate in a healthy way…
  • We periodically attend a marriage enrichment event and try to remember what we learned…
  • We read a cool  marriage tip and try to use it in our relationship…

We TRY all these things but eventually all these attempted TRIES…these GOOD INTENTIONS…fall by the wayside and we can find ourselves drifting apart instead of growing together.

How do we have a thriving, not just surviving, marriage? 


What do you mean stop trying, you may ask?

Stop trying and instead be proactive and  purposeful in prioritizing your marriage relationship.

When we are PROACTIVE in our marriage, we are purposeful in prioritizing our marriage…time, sacrifice and energy are given in order to grow our marriage


Here are some of our MARRIAGE MAINTENANCE KEYS in “Purposely Giving Marriage Matters Priority Because Marriage Matters…YOUR MARRIAGE MATTERS”.



PROACTIVELY schedule a Marriage Maintenance weekly check-in where as a couple you purposefully, prioritize Communication Time, 1-2 times a week to “check in”, where you communicate beyond the surface communication:

  • Coordinate schedules.
  • Check in with each other’s hearts.
  • Talk about areas in your marriage you would like to strengthen along with brainstorming how you will do this?
  • Establish actions steps as a team and hold yourselves accountable to the action steps.
  • No cell phones, no interruptions, 30-60 minutes.
  • This weekly check-in is a marriage  team meeting to praise the positive areas in your relationship,  establish your playbook for areas you would like to strengthen, and determine strategies to grow your relationship.


PROACTIVELY plan dates…we schedule things that are important to us.

  • Plan date nights, date days, date mornings…whatever works for your schedule.  The key is getting time together, just the two of you, on your schedules and then scheduling around your established time together.



PROACTIVELY cultivate learning, nurturing, strengthening and growing your relationship.

  • There’s a difference between getting away together (which is important) and getting away together to enrich your marriage.  Marriage Enrichment is both fun and provides fuel for growth as a couple.



ALL couples benefit from having marriage mentors, coaches and sometimes marriage counseling.

Seeking Godly counsel and wisdom is a good thing…it is a wise and advantageous thing to do for your marriage.  We seek advice and counsel in other areas…makes sense to seek it for the most important earthly relationship we have: our marriage.

What is a marriage mentor?  A mentor couple is a couple older than you, more seasoned in life than you are, has experienced married life longer than you have and is an example of a Godly marriage.  That does not mean a mentor couple has a perfect marriage.  We tell couples, we don’t have a perfect marriage, but we allow the PERFECT ONE, Jesus, to perfect us.

Are there deeper wounds?  Need inner healing from the past? Is there any trauma in your past or present?  There is help.  Don’t stay stuck.

The well being of a marriage is directly impacted by the well being of the individuals in that marriage.  Many times, the “issue” in marriage isn’t a marriage issue…it’s unresolved “baggage” from our past, that we all have, that we bring into our marriage.  Then we end up taking it out on the one we love the most…our spouse.

Here are some  Christian Counseling and Marriage Coaching resources:


Marriage is not the end goal in a relationship.  It’s the beginning of a lifelong journey of learning to love someone like Christ.  It’s not about being happy but rather becoming holy like Christ.

This takes PURPOSEFUL, PROACTIVE and PREVENTATIVE effort  to communicate, be quick to forgive and remember you are on the same team. (Check out our blog for more about our TOP 3 Marriage Maintenance Keys).

There is no win/lose in marriage. We either win together or lose together.  Let’s learn to fight together for our marriages as we turn our hearts to God, which equips us to keep our hearts turned towards each other….walking hand in hand in this beautiful covenant God created for Himself, a husband and a wife,  when He made Marriage.

Our Top 3 Marriage Maintenance KEYS

Over the years couples have asked us what we consider to be the “must haves” in a successful marriage. For us our top 3 are: Communication, Be Quick to Forgive, & We’re on the Same Team (Your spouse has your best interest at heart). Let us explain further…



Communication is what creates intimacy, connection, oneness. Without it we drift apart, become disconnected and increase the chances for misunderstandings. The purpose of communicating is to create understanding.

We communicate with the intent of being understood. Consequently, we are aware of our tone, our body language and the words we speak (Proverbs 15:1 & 15:4; Ephesians 4:15; 1 Corinthians 13:5; Romans 14:19; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Our statements stay away from “you” comments and are geared more towards expressing thoughts, perceptions and feelings. For example, “When this happened, this is how it made me feel; although I know that is not how it was intended.”

Similarly, we listen with the intent of understanding. (Philippians 4:9; 1 Peter 3:7; 1 Peter 3: 1-4; 1 Peter 3: 8-9; James 1:19; Ephesians 4: 1-3). It is human nature to want to have MY come back, MY response, MY excuse…MY, MY, MY ready even before my spouse is done communicating. That is not active listening…that is listening with the intent of exonerating myself. There can’t be MY in marriage communication. When we entered into the covenant of marriage “I” and “MY” became “WE” and “OURS”…we are one. Therefore, listening with the intent of understanding isn’t about who is right or wrong. It’s about hearing what your other half is thinking and feeling. It’s about sympathizing and empathizing. It’s about understanding a different perspective; because we are different, and we are going to disagree. Sometimes it means agreeing to disagree because the issue really isn’t that big of a deal. Will it matter in 20 years? Extending grace and compassion to communicate is necessary because after all…what is more important, being right or the relationship?



There is a quote by Ruth Graham that sums up forgiveness and marriage: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” When two people, who are different, by God’s design, get married, it is inevitable that disagreements, misunderstanding and conflict will occur. How we handle those moments, which points back to the importance of good communication, will lend itself to multiple opportunities to extend grace and forgiveness.

We forgive because God forgives us, not because we deserve it. (Colossians 3:13; Matthew 6: 14-15; Ephesians 4:31-32; Matthew 11:25) We have heard Joyce Meyers say that “holding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“. Matthew West’s song “Forgiveness” says forgiveness “can even set a prisoner free…be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace…The prisoner that it really frees is you“. Forgiveness is a choice. A marriage cannot grow and be successful when we harbor unforgiveness, offense, irritation, bitterness…those are breeding grounds for the enemy to come in to tear us apart. We will not allow that into our marriage, and we are continually on guard, checking our own hearts, to make sure we don’t give an opening for division to come in.




(Your spouse has your best interest at heart)

There is no win/lose in marriage…no his side/her side. It’s either win/win or lose/lose. We are on the same team. When a sport’s team plays a game, they communicate about the play, execute the play; and when a player messes up, they huddle and move forward towards a win. If the team wins, they all win…if the team loses a game, they all lose the game. Just because one player may have dropped the pass, or missed a goal, doesn’t mean that one player is to blame. The team rallies around him/her and they work together for unity, oneness, and a win as a team.

Our marriage is OUR TEAM…we are in this together. We are each other’s biggest cheerleader. We have each other’s backs, and we have each other’s best interest at heart. When one of us messes up, acts ugly, fails to communicate, communicates unlovingly or disrespectfully, takes each other for granted…the list could go on…we CHOOSE to remember that we are on the same team. My spouse has my best interest at heart and would not purposely do something to hurt, harm, irritate (well, maybe to be irritatingly silly at times…LOL), disrespect, act unloving, etc. towards me.

This is the mindset we choose to have. So, when communication is lacking; when forgiveness is needed…having the TEAM mindset paves the way for a successful marriage play…a ONENESS TOUCHDOWN.

(1 Peter 4:8; Ecclesiastes 4:12; Mark 10:9; 1 Corinthians 6:17)


Write these keys on a note card and place on your bathroom mirror, refrigerator and on your dashboard…prominent places that will remind you to put into practice these keys to unlock marriage oneness. Look up the scriptures provided under each key point for further study as a couple. Make a quality decision to put these keys into practice.

  1. Communicate with the purpose of being understood; Listen with the purpose of understanding
  2. Be Quick to Forgive
  3. Be a Marriage TEAM...have each other’s best interest at heart

These 3 keys are a choice, that when executed daily, will produce a marriage WIN/WIN called ONENESS.